Laurentius, Saint Lawrence
9th August, 225AD.
Like a lot of these ancient sorts, the exact date of birth of St Lawrence is open to a bit of interpretation, which, of course, is historian speak for ‘we just sort of make it up’. He was either born on the 9th August, working back from his supposed age at death, or on the 31st December if you ask a bunch of people to whom it was ‘open to interpretation’ several hundred years later. It’s not even sure where he was born, except it was in Spain.
Laurentius encountered the future Pope, Sixtus II, when they travelled together to Rome and when Sixtus became Pope in 257, he ordained Laurentius as a deacon and later an ‘archdeacon’, one of seven who served the young catholic church. Laurentius was put in charge of the riches of the church.
When the emperor Valerian went absolutely bonkers in 258, he issued an order that all bishops, deacons, Popes and priests be immediately executed. Sixtus was tracked down on August the 6th, celebrating liturgy in a cemetery, and strangled on the spot.
The prefect of Rome immediately ordered Laurentius to hand over all the riches of the church and he asked for three days to assemble all the wealth. After three days, he turned up with the city’s blind, crippled, poor and sick and proudly announced "Here are the treasures of the church. You see, the church is truly rich, far richer than your emperor!"
Which was cool thing to say, but made them absolutely steaming mad.
The execution method devised for Laurentius was vicious. A giant grill was built, he was strapped to it, and roasted alive over a fire. Ever the wag, he told his torturers “Turn me over - I’m done on this side”
Saint Lawrence is now the patron saint of chefs, cooks and comedians.